…well where were we? Oh yes, “OK” magazine. Now that I have learnt a new relaxation technique I feel able to continue the sorry tale. When I say ‘new technique’, it’s only new to me, for the Idalagoo Indian tribe have been using the technique for thousands of years.
Basically you need to become one with nature, so that nature becomes one with you. In true Idalagoo style I fashioned a crude loin cloth from two shoelaces and a fig leaf, washed off all trace of after-shave, deodorant and hair-spray, and climbed the nearest tree. (For those of you curious about the hair-spray comment, please be assured that I do in fact possess a thick head of hair. I keep it in a drawer in the dressing table.)
Once ensconced in the tree, the idea is to breathe in time with the breeze, you slow your heart-beat till it runs to the gentle hum of the buzzing insects, but you stand or sit absolutely motionless in the tree. Eventually nature comes to accept your presence as an extension of the tree, and normally wary creatures eagerly gather round. The peace and mental tranquility that descends upon your mortal being at this stage is beyond description, it HAS to be experienced. As the meditative state deepens, eventually even the birds will accept you as part of nature. When the first bird decides to alight upon you, then you are ready to move onto stage two, the highest state of stress elimination possible.
Following the Idalagoo custom, as soon as the first bird lands on you, you leap from the tree with a blood-curdling scream, launching yourself at the nearest monkey or ape that happens to be passing. Once you have grappled the primate to the floor, you have to headbutt it repeatedly until it is unconscious, and then pluck two thirds of the hair from its head with your teeth.
Now I waited and waited and waited, the birds came and went, but I never caught sight of even a single monkey. (NB, I have since checked Wikipedia and it turns out monkeys are pretty rare in the midlands.) Not wanting to miss out on the benefits of the relaxation therapy, I decided to pounce upon the closest thing to a monkey that I could find. As luck would have it I had climbed a tree close to a pikey’s caravan site, and sure enough it wasn’t long before one of their young came ambling along, his arms full of bundles of copper wire from the telephone exchange and a couple of catalytic converters sawn off parked cars.
Seeing my chance, I took one deep breath, let out the deepest blood curdley scream I could. This scream was enhanced by the fact that the makeshift loin-cloth had gotten tangled around a branch, and the shoe-laces tightened terribly around the family jewels before they broke. Wrestling my intended victim to the round, it was at this point I realised that the enemy was in fact a rather attractive, raven-haired GIRL, with deep green Irish eyes. Exactly at this moment the local police farce arrived, and THAT your honour is how I came to be in that predicament. Surely you can see, I’M the victim here?
The case comes up next thursday. But back to the burning issue. OK magazine. OK! HAH! If ever there was a contradiction of reality, there it is. Somehow this magazine, which claims to give you all the news about the ‘stars’, in reality is so chock full of nonsense and drivel that reading it actually DECREASES your intelligence. It seems the rubbish they print goes into your brain’s receptors in such concentrated measures, that it actually clogs up your synapses and makes you thicker.
Here are some examples of the kind of literary manure you will find;
SHOCKER! Two people wear the same kind of dress!!
HORROR! Somebody has tan lines from wearing socks!!
DREADFUL! Person goes out without make-up!!
OH DEAR! Bluebell throws an almighty tantrum!!
I am not exactly sure how this has happened. In a society once proud of it’s record on women’s rights, we have allowed a magazine, aimed at the female market, to fill the feminine mind with such meaningless nonsense, that they are starting to actually turn into the very brainless trollops they are reading about.
Men of the world, it is high time we acted. If this is allowed to continue, the female brain will eventually degenerate to the point that they are no longer able to fulfill their basic responsibilities, and let me assure you, no matter HOW MUCH you pay, you will NEVER be able to buy a coffee machine that makes it JUST the way you like it, never mind one that will wash the dishes afterwards!!
But seriously, ‘OK!’ magazine-Sheeesh! I have a real fear that if we ever do get visited by aliens from Mars, they will take one glance at humans, and leave the earth forever. In their record books, I can imagine the following entry;
July 10th; Visited the planet known as “Earth” today. The atmosphere was on the poisonous side, and the waters were also contaminated. Searched high and low but without result. VERDICT : NO SIGN OF INTELLIGENT LIFE.