I know these kind of letters are supposed to be called “Dear Johns”, but my wife isn’t called John, not since the operation.
I have a confession to make, and where better than in the privacy of a blog page that is only accessible to earth dwellers. But first a little explanation, as I am sure there are fellow victims out there that can sympathise with my situation.
For my wife doesn’t understand me. And I dont mean just the times when I come inside after a night star-gazing and my tongue has frozen to the roof of my mouth, for at these times I can usually communicate by sign language that I am about 2 minutes away from a hypothermic coma.
No, I mean in more serious terms. Try as I might I cannot seem to convey the delights of the Universe, I cannot convince her to spend some time out in the open enjoying the open skies. I have tried everything. I tried the obvious lure of mathematical enormity,
“Did you realise that that fuzzy smudge is two point nine billion light years away?” The look on her face explained that SHE was THREE point nine billion light years away form being impressed.
I have tried using the natural beauty of the Universe. One night I woke her up at 4.30am to come and take a look through the telescope. I proudly enthused about the barely visible wisps in the eyepiece, delivering my intended Coup de Grace with the line “And did you realise that with a CCD camera, those wispy bits actually show up as RED!! Isn’t that AMAZING?” Julie saw red WITHOUT the CCD camera, and I thanked my lucky stars that I had the foresight to hide the keys to the gun cabinet.
I have tried using things that interest her as a lure. “Here Darling, come and see the Handbag Constellation, it’s just there along with the shoes nebula!!” Although at first this tack showed promise, all hope faded when the word “Gucci” was not visible through the eyepiece.
Reverse psychology failed too. In my best poker faced non-chalant style, I proclaimed, “Oh, I’m not looking at anything much, you wouldn’t be interested.” Obviously I hoped to stir her curiosity with this statement, but she replied “Finally you admit that it’s boring.”
I suppose that with this complete incompatibilty in things that REALLY matter, it was inevitable that we should drift apart, like a badly polar aligned scope. I know that you will all see my side in this, and that she is being completely unreasonable. For instance;
The other night it was perfectly clear. Naturally I got home from work and made my way straight outside, getting the equipment set up for the night ahead. I’m not sure if the wife was at home at this point or not, but before you knew it the unreasonable demands started coming;
“I’ve made a special dinner, it will be ready in 20 mins.”
Not satisfied, the nagging continued;
“You dinner’s been out for 5 minutes going cold, it cost me a lot of money and time to make it, please come in and eat with your family.”
I mean, what is WRONG with the woman? She could SEE that Mars was at its zenith, and it wasn’t MY fault that the first few hours imaging had been wasted by leaving the lens cap on. But still not content the onslaught kept up;
“I’m putting your dinner on a plate on the oven. I’m really dissapointed that you missed the meal, especially on our anniversary. I’m going to bed now.”
Nag nag nag nag nag………..it’s all I get. It affected me so much that all the shots I got of Mars were blurry and wasted, and it’s all HER fault.
Oh sure, she says it’s all me, that I’m the one to blame, that I never have time for her or the kids, the car hasn’t been washed in 3 years, and that ever since I started astronomy it’s like nothing else matters, but then she WOULD say that wouldn’t she. Probably her mother put her up to it. That woman would say ANYTHING to discredit me. I’m not saying that my wife doesn’t have a mind of her own, but she doesn’t even know what an arc-minute looks like in the sky. I mean, come on, somethings up with that.
So I suppose it was only realistic that we should end up celestial poles apart. And hence the reason for the following letter. I only hope it brings her to her senses.
I know the last few months haven’t been easy for me. There have been just too many cloudy nights, and such light polluted skies that life hasn’t been much fun. I’m not blaming you for this, but you have made the cloudy nights worse by complaining when I spent all night looking at previously taken astrophotos.
Also, I find your constant demands on my time to be quite unreasonable. I can only assure you that my tiredness is NOT due to the star-gazing all night, that it is probably a medical condition caused by the stress you give me, and YES, sometimes three sleepy grunts IS all the conversation I can muster. If you have any really vital requests or information for me, then I suggest you send me a message via the StarGazersLounge.com forum, and maybe you could view my posts on there as part of my conversation with you.
You are bound to find out sooner or later, so it’s best that I be up front about it. Because we have drifted apart, I have been hanging around with another woman. And yes, I admit now, that I have spent a night with her.
Her name is Selene, and she is a little older than you, but younger than your mother I think. She is everything you are not. Every day she is something new and exciting, a real full bodied, in your face beauty one minute, and a coy little minx the next. I agree that her complexion is a little pock marked, but her face seems to shine all the more.
Selene helps me see things in a whole new light. In fact, when she is at her best, it is hard to see anything else. She eclipses all others. She makes me feel like the Karate Kid; wax on, wane off. Like all women, she is subject to a monthly cycle, but unlike you, she is predictable, I always know what the cycle will bring, and never once have I caught her trying to sell my telescope on ebay.
You are probably wondering where we met. I turns out I have known Selene for most of my life, and I think you know her too. I happened to be out with my camera, and caught her in one of the photos. Right away I was transfixed. There was so much more to this woman, I HAD to see more. We spent more and more time together, eventually, it was the whole night. To your relief, I can explain that I haven’t SLEPT with her yet, not a wink, but I am very relaxed in her company. She is such a good listener, I find I can talk for hours without interruption, and yet she never nags at me.
I have been told that she has a dark side, but I have never seen it. I really feel that with her influence, the tide of my life has turned. You may say i’m a lunartic, but I make no Apollo-gies for my actions. She really gives me a Buzz. She makes my Arm strong. I finally feel that the Eagle has landed. Life is like a beach on the sea of tranquility.
STOP PRESS: I feel I have to tell you that I have finished with Selene. Oh sure, it was fun while it lasted, but it turns out she was very possessive. I had been hoping to spend a little time with seven beautiful sisters the other evening, but Selene was having none of it. She did eveything in her power to stop me seeing them. And so I called the whole thing off. You might think that after the previous part of this letter that I would be upset. Far from it. In fact I am really glad that we ended the relationship.
You could even say, “I’m over the moon!”