August 2008
1 post
Hazard Perception (a must read for all ISS...
So it’s been a bit quiet on the whole telescope thing. Night after night of unadulterated cloud cover, punctuated by two of the darkest clearest nights I have ever witnessed from the Midlands. If only I had completed my MkII Teleportation device I would have beamed myself to the top of the highest hill, in the darkest county, but even from our position in the centre of the country, where...
July 2008
2 posts
The stars light up the nights...
….but funny people light up the days. Somebody very funny is leaving for a new life in France/Canada/Australia/Morocco, and even though she promises herself “no more crazy tricks”, I hope the crazy tricks continue for many years yet!! Best wishes for your new life, wherever you end up!
...continued
…well where were we? Oh yes, “OK” magazine. Now that I have learnt a new relaxation technique I feel able to continue the sorry tale. When I say ‘new technique’, it’s only new to me, for the Idalagoo Indian tribe have been using the technique for thousands of years.
Basically you need to become one with nature, so that nature becomes one with you. In true...
June 2008
1 post
OK? It's anything but!
So it’s been a while……
The nights suitable for taking astro-photos have been so dreadfully infrequent, that a 3 toed sloth could count them on one hand/paw.
However in this time, during which the nights dont really get dark anyway, I have managed to take one photograph which received the ultimate acclaim. Namely, the wife saying “That’s not one of yours, is...
May 2008
1 post
Do You Feel Lucky?
Well, do ya? Now, let’s be perfectly clear. I don’t believe in fate, I don’t believe in luck, predestination or karma, and I snort contemptuously down my nose at those pathetically ignorant trailers (*) who smile sweetly and explain “Well you see, all Scorpio’s are the same.” [Please excuse me for five minutes whilst I fantasize about gathering all the...
April 2008
2 posts
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.....
With those words George Lucas introduced R2D2 to an unexpecting world. A white and blue tin can with a domed head, that makes whistling observations and comments in a language all of its own, that everybody except the viewer seems to understand. R2D2 later revealed his ability to fly, display movies, control elevators and electrocute giggling rats. He also functioned as a cunning place to hide a...
My first time...
They say you never forget your first time. Well, I have just returned from my very first “Star Party”. In truth I had to lure the missus there under false pretences. I had implied that she would be surrounded by Hollywood “A -listers”, and that while I swapped make-up tips with George Clooney, she would be able to swan around with the ‘Stars’, and spend her...
March 2008
1 post
Ode to Dark Skies....
I have a little tale to tell, a story for our time, Another funny episode in life’s great pantomime. Could you spare me just a minute, and permit me to explain, Why the lights are out all over town, and I’m in jail again? You see, I was formerly a violent man, and given to bad temper, I’d pick a fight all year long, from Jan’ry to December. The Doctors said, “It’s time for you to choose a peaceful...
February 2008
2 posts
The Torn Astronomer....
The Torn Astronomer A tale I feel I have to tell, It may well make you weep, About a problem faced by man, Whilst others are asleep. Our man is an “Astronomer”, Or so he tells his friends, He likes to gaze up at the stars, But that’s not where it ends. For his life is rarely simple, When a starry night appears. And an evening at the eyepiece, Can often end in tears. So here is...
Dear Julie....
I know these kind of letters are supposed to be called “Dear Johns”, but my wife isn’t called John, not since the operation. I have a confession to make, and where better than in the privacy of a blog page that is only accessible to earth dwellers. But first a little explanation, as I am sure there are fellow victims out there that can sympathise with my situation. For my wife...
January 2008
2 posts
First Blood..........
……. I think they usually call it ‘First Light’ in astro language. However, as you may be gathering, things are rarely that straighforward. I finally have ‘all’ of my kit. I say all, I’m sure there will be things added to this list over the months to come, astronomy as a hobby seems to offer the casual participant ever increasing circles of opportunity to...
It's a good job....
….It’s been cloudy. If the nights had been clear I would have been tearing my few remaining hairs out. No eyepieces for the telescope, except for the one that came with it, (which doesn’t count because it doesn’t have its own shiny and new box). They, and the rest of their bits are due to fly in tomorrow, with a following wind, but I’m not holding my breath. When you...
December 2007
15 posts
It's Behind You!!.....
…”Oh No It Isn’t!” Well, It’s pantomime season. If you don’t have Pantomime in your part of the world, let me explain it in the briefest way i can. Pantomime: A short story where the men dress as women, the women dress as men, the hero goes through a series of adventures and triumphs in the end, but it’s the bad guy that every really loves and remembers...
Come The Revolution.....
…..I will make it compulsory to send out the instruction manuals for things before the thing itself. Maybe then the Y chromosomed population could stop dreaming of owning light-sabres for 10 mins and actually READ THE STINKIN MANUAL! DOH! So apparently you cant just whack the doo-da onto the wotsit and hope to have the jewels of heaven revealed Tommy Cooper style. (Jus’ Like That!)...
Make way for the Mounties!!
They say you always remember the first time you fell in love. I know I do. Heaven only knows who the girl was though. But those old feelings come flooding back, the increased heart rate, the gentle perspiration, the panic over whether your breath smells / feet stink / hair sticks up etc, and the desperate clenching of the butt to hold that fart captive, whilst trying to maintain a smile that looks...
Dr. Celestron I presume?
…So there I was, languishing at work, the mountain of paperwork crashing down on me like an angry concert pianist performing Beethoven’s fifth. When my cell-phone (I call it that because they gave it me in prison) stared flashing and beeping that a new text message had arrived. It was from No.1 wife. “SCP HR” Which I took to mean that Scamp our dog has rabies. But it seems...
Results just in....
Another clear night. But what to do? I have in the post a Schmidt-Cassegrain Optical tube assembly, and I have in the house the Toys R Us Special. Also have the Canon 400D digital SLR camera and a tripod for it. It is time for an experiment! I have always been fond of empirical research, ever since finding out that ‘Empiricism’ is not the pursuit of a galaxy ruled by Sith Lords who can...
Forsooth & Gadzooks!
‘Tis done fair gentlefolk of Internet Village! Verily is an ample chest of golden sovereigns winding its merry way to the Wise Man of Exeter. The Old Nag express should be delivering the various bits over the next few days……. It’s time to play with the big boys!!
Unbelievable!!
How often does a guy get it SO right, that it feels like it should be wrong? Hows about this for a list of rights!! 1) Bought New £14.99 Telescope for No.1 Son - RIGHT!! 2) Performed reverse Apache raindance all sunday night - RIGHT!! 3) Waited up freezing cold with crystal clear skies for Saturn - RIGHT!! 4) Took a gamble and woke up No.1 Wife to see Saturn - RIGHT!! Now, I don’t use...
Just waiting for that glimpse....
…of Saturns rings. She’ll be along in an hour or so. It seems that No.1 Wife (which is not in the strictest sense the same as No.1 Choice),(Oh boy! Now I’m gonna pay) has taken exception to my statement that she is hard to impress. I heard her on the phone to her mother complaining bitterly, ”It’s hard to be impressed by Orion, when you are married to Adonis.” ...
So far, So Good...
…ness gracious me but it’s COLD!! The skies have cleared beautifully. Out came the £14.99 special as soon as the mandatory kisses and hello’s and “What time do you call this?“‘s were over with. And I suppose we now begin the all important learning curve, and kick right off with lesson one. LESSON ONE: Finding anything in the eyepiece is really hard. This was...
Is Tonight the night??
It’s all gearing up towards a clear evening. Double bonus because the International Space Station will be zooming over my garden again tonight, sadly without its buddy Atlantis, and I do like to sit there in the tub waving to the astronuts as they go by. I sip champagne and they sip recycled urine. But the excitement builds with every cloud that dissipates. Are we gonna be blown away? Or...
David Attenborough...
…has been on, apparently he has never seen a fish bubbling “Bartholomew” either. But it got me to thinking, if he wanted to see REALLY wild animals, why didn’t he go to Sri Lanka. There he could have watched Guerillas & Tigers. But it’s still raining. Even after my best efforts. In ancient American-Indian tradition I have sung and danced my way through at least...
"Would Sir care to sample the wine?"
I HAVE A TELESCOPE!! Well, that’s not strictly true. No.1 Son has a telescope. I took him to a toy superstore to buy him Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars, but realising that having that thing sat on the shelf would be tantamount to having an effigy of the mother-in-law sat there, we took the mutual decision to get something else. Sorry Jabba. Try Botox. The great thing is that No.1 Son was...
Let it rain......
….all day, then be fine all night. Which is diametrically opposed to my previous prayers to the weathermen during my previous existence as a window cleaner. Sorry, Transparent Panel Maintenance Engineer. And before you ask, yes, I DID see some sights. Mainly not pretty ones, which ironically, is also the opposite of what I was hoping to be enchanted by in the night skies with the purchase of...
There goes my Galaxy virginity!
Still no telescope. Although it IS ordered, I am waiting on a new cretin card with favourable rates, so it won’t be here for a while. I’m hoping by the end of this week, by which time we will have had enough crap weather to merit some clear skies. However! Following the advice freely doled out by the Star Gazers Lounge entourage, I took to the skies with my trusty £35 binoculars, as...
A Lady in Waiting.....
The Lady in question being La Lune, of course. And so it begins. The days of lying on freezing slabs or soaking grass with a pair of binoculars glued to the eyes will hopefully soon be a distant happy memory, (although the rheumatism caused by said activity is likely to be a distant future experience). The helpful night pixies at www.stargazerslounge.com have guided my uninformed hands towards...
